Anonymous asked:

Am I the only one who gets second hand embarrassment over Simon's lunch with the Walkers? "I like the way he gave back." Jesus Christ Simon, my awkward, undead, probably former social outcast, it hurts to watch you. Of course the Walkers didn't really do much to make him feel comfortable...

kedreeva:

Okay I left this in my inbox for a few days mostly because I couldn’t determine my own feelings about this.

On the one hand, I can assure you that you aren’t the only one who gets second hand embarrassment over Simon during that time; I know people who can’t even watch that whole scene through because they get it so bad. I’m not really wired to feel embarrassment, so I don’t feel the same, but I do feel a lot of other things about that scene, for Simon.

How I feel, more than embarrassed, is sad, just crushingly sad for Simon. Here’s this guy who, for his entire first life, felt like there was nothing in life but waiting to die. His first life was, by his own admission, a lesson in how worthless everything was, just people milling around in misery until the day they could stop. At some point, Simon gave up. At some point Simon got so self-injurious in his actions (or lack of actions, possibly) that it killed him.

At that point, Simon was free. There was nothing.

And then he woke up six feet under, clawed his way out of the ground along with thousands of other people, and began a second life. I don’t think there’s anyone that would argue that’s “normal.”

By the time Simon comes back to himself, he wakes up in the treatment facility. They experiment on him, do horrible things to him in the name of making his second life mean something. He goes home, and the first attempt he makes at starting a “normal” life with his father, but from the gate that’s impossible because his mother’s blood is on his hands. He is forced out of the only place left that might have lead to normal.

So he’s out on his own, and he goes to find Julian, and folds himself into the cult as a follower. He becomes a leader, there, and the relationships he is able to form there are that of two sorts- shepherd and sheep (where Simon admittedly plays both roles depending on who he is speaking to), and the sort of relationship he has with Amy; just enough distance from her to not let it get too far out of hand either way. Even with Amy, there is a certain amount of molding himself to be what the situation calls for.

And then he meets Kieren. And Kieren, at every turn, tells him to cut it out, to stop pretending to be what Simon thinks Kieren needs and just be Simon. For his part, Simon initially attempts to be what he thinks is best for Kieren- he is sweet in the graveyard when they meet, soft-spoken and steady. He attempts to be someone Kieren can connect to, someone that Kieren will let lead him (showing that they both have scars, talking about how horrible life was and how he doesn’t feel that way [implying the ULA stopped it], laying his hand on Kieren’s to tell him he wants him there). When that doesn’t work, he even tries to back Kieren into a corner at the hospital by using him to distract the nurse while Simon steals the keys to the cage.

Simon finally gives up- he literally surrenders because he is at a loss. He has tried all the things he knows to be what Keiren wants/needs, and every time Kieren tells him he’s doing it wrong, because all Kieren wants is for Simon to be Simon.

The problem is that Simon doesn’t know how to be Simon.

When Kieren tells him to be a normal person Simon isn’t sure what normal is.

Simon has never viewed himself as “normal” and when he got a second chance, he wasn’t allowed to “be himself” because what he is, he has been told is unacceptable (being undead is bad, hide yourself. Get out of the house. Be a follower). So when he asks Kieren “what do normal people do” he really, really means it.

Watching him wear his make up, watching him try to be more animated (as opposed to his very still, careful nature), watching his bewilderment at being offered food he can’t eat, watching him scrape for any small talk he thinks “normal” people use (“how did you two meet, etc) is painful for me, but NOT because it’s awkward… because it really illustrates how horrible Simon’s life has been.

The years to come seemed waste of breath, a Simon’s playlist on 8tracks. 
requiem for a dream theme clint mansell - only the winds olafur arnalds - give me novacaine green day - colours fade blood red shoes - zombie the cranberries - new born muse - the draw bastille - 9/15ths biffy clyro - quutamo apocalyptica - the rising bruce springsteen

The years to come seemed waste of breath, a Simon’s playlist on 8tracks. 

requiem for a dream theme clint mansell - only the winds olafur arnalds - give me novacaine green day - colours fade blood red shoes - zombie the cranberries - new born muse - the draw bastille - 9/15ths biffy clyro - quutamo apocalyptica - the rising bruce springsteen